One drink is too many and a thousand is not enough

A mantra to many in recovery. Never a truer word spoken.

Someone recently asked me how much I could drink in one session: four bottles of wine, maybe more. The person was shocked. Beer? Twelve cans. Spirits? The occasional bottle. In one go? Yep.

Not only is this hugely detrimental to health. I have left my flat in the middle of the night – already intoxicated – to buy more alcohol. It was a risk to my personal safety too.

I feel alarmed to recount how much I used to drink as I can now see it from a different viewpoint. But when in the grip of alcohol, these dangers just don't register. You normalise drinking vast amounts - probably because you somehow function around it. I managed to navigate the Barcelona metro system in an absinthe blackout, snapped short when I was refused alcohol at the kiosk by the hotel. Thank goodness. I certainly didn’t need more.

It's not that you're dependent necessarily – it is as though you're compelled to do it. An unquenchable urge that defies all sense because you have obliterated these. You can be out of your mind drunk and still want more. And often, you manage it. I have woken up to see many a beer can staring back at me.

The only way I can gain control of this is by not drinking at all.